I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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