Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
porn star boner night. come get it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
