Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
