between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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