I smell stomach acid.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
