Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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