Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
