So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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