There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
