She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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