We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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