I cockslap morals
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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