R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
