every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
