I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
