i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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