dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My hand turned me down
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
