Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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