I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
