i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You are the jesus of drinking
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
