it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
