Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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