oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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