he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
