My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
