I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
