he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
