i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
