So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
