Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
