I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
