tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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