i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
