the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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