Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
