There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You left your phone here
Wait...
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