i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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