Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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