And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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