Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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