i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
