i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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