Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
