So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
