I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
