My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
