if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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