Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
