I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Im just a social blackout drinker.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
