You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
