I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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