things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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